Sunday, May 27, 2012

Maybe then, I could see

Heart break seems never ending. Seems like if you've been abandoned, you feel like you're the only one in the world who feels this pain. You feel like you loved more deeply, more completely than anyone else you've ever known. You can't imagine anyone truly knowing the pain you feel.

Is there anyone out there who understands the total pain of abandonment? Is there anyone who has loved so completely as I have? I didn't believe in love before I met him. I'd never felt such a powerful pull to another human being before I met him. There was just something about him, something I could not live without. Something that made me give up everything to pursue it.

And in the end, I ask myself, was it worth it? I still don't know the answer to that question. Does anyone know the answer? Has anyone really been through this? Am I alone in my alone-ness?

I almost believe that ignorance truly is bliss. If I'd never known, if I'd never taken that step. Would I be here now? Can you miss something you never had?

I believe I'd be better off it had never happened. I believe I could make myself whole, if I wasn't so completely invested in another who couldn't give me the same.

I used to see my future, I used to see everything, so perfect, in front of me. I used to believe in a future where I was happy, where my life had meaning. Now all I see is emptiness. I can't imagine a future without him. I used to see suicide as a selfish way out, now it seems like a comfortable end to a life of constant torture and unending pain. I don't believe in an after life. And I'm so tired. If I could get some sleep, if I could close my eyes, and fall into a dream of life, maybe then I could live again. Maybe then, I could see beyond the darkness. Maybe then, I could see.. maybe.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

My Best Friend

I had to tear apart my house looking for old documents I needed. The problem with this was finding odds and ends in places I didn't expect them to be. An old black and white picture printed on regular printer paper crammed inbetween different folders. Old emails I printed out 7 years ago. Pictures taken and kept hidden from the world for fear of discovery.

Clandestine affairs are doomed from the beginning, no matter how sure you are that yours is different, that you are different, that he is different. You're wrong. You're not different. He's the same as all the other liars in history. You can only hold on to the fairy tale for so long, before your glass castle is shattered, and you realize the foundation you were so sure of was made of nothing but paper mache, and soon the life you thought you had is unrecognizable.

You realize you lost your best friend.

And like an earth quake or other disaster, you have no idea how it happened. You didn't listen to the scientists when they told you you were on shaky ground.

After you're nearly done with the clean up and restoration, bam, you're hit with the after shocks.

I thought I was nearly back to myself, to a point where I could value myself when no one else would. A point where I could hold my face to the sun and enjoy the heat on my skin, where I could put my bare legs on a soft sheet and be comfortable sleeping alone. A place where I could take a deep breath and know that I'm going to be alright. But the rug was pulled visciously out from under my feet when I wasn't expecting it.

I feel as if I'll never be whole again. This void will be with me for as long as I'm still breathing.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Broken Heart Syndrome

 ”Our hypothesis is that massive amounts of these stress hormones can go right to the heart and produce a stunning of the heart muscle that causes this temporary dysfunction resembling a heart attack,” says cardiologist Ilan Wittstein, M.D., an assistant professor at The Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine and its Heart Institute. “It doesn’t kill the heart muscle like a typical heart attack, but it renders it helpless."

"Renders it helpless"... Medical science has somehow validated the feeling of helplessness, and severe pain a broken heart can cause. Often people hear of the pain of a broken heart, but until they actual experience it - Only after they lose the one thing that they love the most, the one thing that is nearest and dearest to them - can they understand that it is a reality.The pain of it is an unbearable reality, that so many have a difficult time surviving.

There isn't a remedy for this ailment. There isn't an ointment or pill or treatment that can affectively make your symptoms 'go away'.

I've been searching for a cure for over a year, and I only feel worse. I am becoming extremely sick, or a better word might be, 'unwell'. My disease is progressing, and I'm getting desperate. I've found that this pain is too great to bear, and I intentionally cause external pain to myself, in an effort to aleviate the internal pain. All I'm left with are scars. The wound inside is still a gaping hole freely bleeding, and I'm not sure if it will ever scar, while the wounds on the outside scar up as a reminder that I am not yet whole.

I am hungry but I can't eat. I am so tired, but I can't sleep. I'm in a constant whilrwind of screams and disaster in my mind, but I'm a blank expression on the outside. I'm worse than dead, I'm suffering. My agent of torture is the one I love the most. And I'm begging for the final blow, but fear I'm too much of a coward to accept it.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

I died today

I have nothing.... I thought, maybe I could write about it. But maybe I'm not ready. Maybe the wound is too great to put on paper. My heart is bleeding. And it feels like it will never stop.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Are we too old?

You look in the mirror and realize, oh my god. . . . when did that happen? You see fine lines all around your eyes, deep lines in between your eyebrows..... and .........are those jowls?? You wake up looking like the crypt keeper and realize you can only cake on the makeup so thick.

You can no longer relate to those awful 'chick flicks' that you once loved so much. You realize your life has aged you. Your obligations have aged  you. You let your obligations get in the way of your life. And then you realize, you don't have a life. You don't really have....... anything.

It's weird how things can change, but still stay the same. Or maybe it only appears to have changed, but nothing really has. Can we ever be certain about what we really want? Will it be the same in my 40's? My 50's? What then?

How does one plan an entire life when things change so dramatically with each passing decade? I feel nowhere near where I was when I was in my 20's, or even early 30's, but yet some things are still so much the same. That feeling of solitude. It stays with you. You can be surrounded by crowds and still be completely alone. You can be surrounded by friends and family... and still.. be completely alone.

And I just wonder, How long, can something like that last? Will we ever feel normal? I wonder if I'll ever feel normal. Or if it just goes on like this.


What do you do when you know you're not where you want to be? Is it selfish? Or is it just taking care of yourself.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Starting Over..... Again

I don't know how many times I said it, but I'm saying it again. I will move on, I will get over this, and I won't look back.
When life gives you lemons, you make a really fucked up face, and someone is inevitably going to get a photo of it and post it on the internet. And  here we go again.
You know there are going to be days when you want to embrace all that life has to give. You want to dance, and run and drive fast. You want to feel the sun on your face, and taste something sweet on your tongue. You decide to pursue happiness... you know you'll be fine once you get it.

But then you realize... Not only is it impossible to find... it's even harder to hold on to. So you don't want to let go.. you don't want to let go of the poison that is killing you. You're one step away from falling, balancing on a precariously thin line. So you tango with death, dance with the reaper. And suddenly you're alive again. Slightly scarred, but most definately alive, and one step closer to being healed.
Or.. one step closer to falling... falling, falling. Hoping someone will catch you if you do fall.
But then you realize no one is there, no one is  waiting....... because no one knows you're falling.

"... and so the world will end, a victim of love rather than hate. For love's ever been the more destructive weapon, sure."