Sunday, May 27, 2012

Maybe then, I could see

Heart break seems never ending. Seems like if you've been abandoned, you feel like you're the only one in the world who feels this pain. You feel like you loved more deeply, more completely than anyone else you've ever known. You can't imagine anyone truly knowing the pain you feel.

Is there anyone out there who understands the total pain of abandonment? Is there anyone who has loved so completely as I have? I didn't believe in love before I met him. I'd never felt such a powerful pull to another human being before I met him. There was just something about him, something I could not live without. Something that made me give up everything to pursue it.

And in the end, I ask myself, was it worth it? I still don't know the answer to that question. Does anyone know the answer? Has anyone really been through this? Am I alone in my alone-ness?

I almost believe that ignorance truly is bliss. If I'd never known, if I'd never taken that step. Would I be here now? Can you miss something you never had?

I believe I'd be better off it had never happened. I believe I could make myself whole, if I wasn't so completely invested in another who couldn't give me the same.

I used to see my future, I used to see everything, so perfect, in front of me. I used to believe in a future where I was happy, where my life had meaning. Now all I see is emptiness. I can't imagine a future without him. I used to see suicide as a selfish way out, now it seems like a comfortable end to a life of constant torture and unending pain. I don't believe in an after life. And I'm so tired. If I could get some sleep, if I could close my eyes, and fall into a dream of life, maybe then I could live again. Maybe then, I could see beyond the darkness. Maybe then, I could see.. maybe.