Tuesday, January 31, 2012

I died today

I have nothing.... I thought, maybe I could write about it. But maybe I'm not ready. Maybe the wound is too great to put on paper. My heart is bleeding. And it feels like it will never stop.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Are we too old?

You look in the mirror and realize, oh my god. . . . when did that happen? You see fine lines all around your eyes, deep lines in between your eyebrows..... and .........are those jowls?? You wake up looking like the crypt keeper and realize you can only cake on the makeup so thick.

You can no longer relate to those awful 'chick flicks' that you once loved so much. You realize your life has aged you. Your obligations have aged  you. You let your obligations get in the way of your life. And then you realize, you don't have a life. You don't really have....... anything.

It's weird how things can change, but still stay the same. Or maybe it only appears to have changed, but nothing really has. Can we ever be certain about what we really want? Will it be the same in my 40's? My 50's? What then?

How does one plan an entire life when things change so dramatically with each passing decade? I feel nowhere near where I was when I was in my 20's, or even early 30's, but yet some things are still so much the same. That feeling of solitude. It stays with you. You can be surrounded by crowds and still be completely alone. You can be surrounded by friends and family... and still.. be completely alone.

And I just wonder, How long, can something like that last? Will we ever feel normal? I wonder if I'll ever feel normal. Or if it just goes on like this.


What do you do when you know you're not where you want to be? Is it selfish? Or is it just taking care of yourself.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Starting Over..... Again

I don't know how many times I said it, but I'm saying it again. I will move on, I will get over this, and I won't look back.
When life gives you lemons, you make a really fucked up face, and someone is inevitably going to get a photo of it and post it on the internet. And  here we go again.
You know there are going to be days when you want to embrace all that life has to give. You want to dance, and run and drive fast. You want to feel the sun on your face, and taste something sweet on your tongue. You decide to pursue happiness... you know you'll be fine once you get it.

But then you realize... Not only is it impossible to find... it's even harder to hold on to. So you don't want to let go.. you don't want to let go of the poison that is killing you. You're one step away from falling, balancing on a precariously thin line. So you tango with death, dance with the reaper. And suddenly you're alive again. Slightly scarred, but most definately alive, and one step closer to being healed.
Or.. one step closer to falling... falling, falling. Hoping someone will catch you if you do fall.
But then you realize no one is there, no one is  waiting....... because no one knows you're falling.

"... and so the world will end, a victim of love rather than hate. For love's ever been the more destructive weapon, sure."