Sunday, February 9, 2014

I'm not sure where I'm at... I have no fucking clue where I'm going, and sure as hell have no clue where I've come from.

I sit here, completed isolated from everyone and everything. I'm not sure why I hold on to hope. I'm not sure there's any left out there for me. I found the love of my life ten years ago. I had two beautiful children 15 years ago. I lost them all. Everyone I have ever loved has left me.

And still I sit, I wait, I try. . . . I beg. I beg my children to love me. I beg my husband to love me and he may as well have put a bullet in my heart. I have nothing left.

I have a family of animals... I surround myself by compensating with the love of animals. Hollywood is so trivial. Hollywood makes us think we need someone . . we need 'our person' to survive this life. I lost my person. I tried, I tried so , so hard to keep him. If I  believed in fate or any kind of higher power I would have believed that he was 'it' for me. He was the one I was meant to be with.. He was MY PERSON. and  no one else will ever come close to that.

I feel like I'm completely alone in this idea, the idea that there was one truly special, truly unique person to make me whole, to fit me like yin and yang, someone who complimented everything I am in life to make it complete.

But he won't even talk to me. If there was an apocalypse or some kind of uprising, like world war Z.. He and I.. we would make an impeccable team. But for some reason he wants some bimbo by his side. He wants someone who can't protect herself. I will have his back. I am trained, I am a fighter . . I will always have his back. I will be the one he  needs. But he doesn't see that. He doesn't understand. Who else is qualified, who else loves him enough?
Without me, he is alone.
And without him, I am alone.

Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death... I fear everything. Because I am human. and anything else is a fucking fairy tale created by men who were scared of their own shadow and had no concept of science or archeology or anthropology. It's absurd. FAITH is absurd and FUCKED up. plain and simple. Get your heads on straight, and understand that the only hope humankind has... is HUMANKIND.

Saturday, March 9, 2013

I find that I am irreparably damaged. I'm not sure what I've become, but I am sure of how I got here. It was a slow and steady decline. One that I saw coming but ignored. When you feel you've lost everything, there's nothing left to care about, including yourself. And when that's gone. Well.

There is nothing left then, is there?

My state of mind, my state of being, has made me cold to the touch of others. cold to the world. Betrayal has a way of doing that to a person. Or maybe I was just flawed all along, and betrayal just the catalyst.

 I'm flawed, I know. It's strange, this feeling. Strange because it's almost comforting. Almost a weight off. I can stop trying so hard, and just be me.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Maybe then, I could see

Heart break seems never ending. Seems like if you've been abandoned, you feel like you're the only one in the world who feels this pain. You feel like you loved more deeply, more completely than anyone else you've ever known. You can't imagine anyone truly knowing the pain you feel.

Is there anyone out there who understands the total pain of abandonment? Is there anyone who has loved so completely as I have? I didn't believe in love before I met him. I'd never felt such a powerful pull to another human being before I met him. There was just something about him, something I could not live without. Something that made me give up everything to pursue it.

And in the end, I ask myself, was it worth it? I still don't know the answer to that question. Does anyone know the answer? Has anyone really been through this? Am I alone in my alone-ness?

I almost believe that ignorance truly is bliss. If I'd never known, if I'd never taken that step. Would I be here now? Can you miss something you never had?

I believe I'd be better off it had never happened. I believe I could make myself whole, if I wasn't so completely invested in another who couldn't give me the same.

I used to see my future, I used to see everything, so perfect, in front of me. I used to believe in a future where I was happy, where my life had meaning. Now all I see is emptiness. I can't imagine a future without him. I used to see suicide as a selfish way out, now it seems like a comfortable end to a life of constant torture and unending pain. I don't believe in an after life. And I'm so tired. If I could get some sleep, if I could close my eyes, and fall into a dream of life, maybe then I could live again. Maybe then, I could see beyond the darkness. Maybe then, I could see.. maybe.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

My Best Friend

I had to tear apart my house looking for old documents I needed. The problem with this was finding odds and ends in places I didn't expect them to be. An old black and white picture printed on regular printer paper crammed inbetween different folders. Old emails I printed out 7 years ago. Pictures taken and kept hidden from the world for fear of discovery.

Clandestine affairs are doomed from the beginning, no matter how sure you are that yours is different, that you are different, that he is different. You're wrong. You're not different. He's the same as all the other liars in history. You can only hold on to the fairy tale for so long, before your glass castle is shattered, and you realize the foundation you were so sure of was made of nothing but paper mache, and soon the life you thought you had is unrecognizable.

You realize you lost your best friend.

And like an earth quake or other disaster, you have no idea how it happened. You didn't listen to the scientists when they told you you were on shaky ground.

After you're nearly done with the clean up and restoration, bam, you're hit with the after shocks.

I thought I was nearly back to myself, to a point where I could value myself when no one else would. A point where I could hold my face to the sun and enjoy the heat on my skin, where I could put my bare legs on a soft sheet and be comfortable sleeping alone. A place where I could take a deep breath and know that I'm going to be alright. But the rug was pulled visciously out from under my feet when I wasn't expecting it.

I feel as if I'll never be whole again. This void will be with me for as long as I'm still breathing.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Broken Heart Syndrome

 ”Our hypothesis is that massive amounts of these stress hormones can go right to the heart and produce a stunning of the heart muscle that causes this temporary dysfunction resembling a heart attack,” says cardiologist Ilan Wittstein, M.D., an assistant professor at The Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine and its Heart Institute. “It doesn’t kill the heart muscle like a typical heart attack, but it renders it helpless."

"Renders it helpless"... Medical science has somehow validated the feeling of helplessness, and severe pain a broken heart can cause. Often people hear of the pain of a broken heart, but until they actual experience it - Only after they lose the one thing that they love the most, the one thing that is nearest and dearest to them - can they understand that it is a reality.The pain of it is an unbearable reality, that so many have a difficult time surviving.

There isn't a remedy for this ailment. There isn't an ointment or pill or treatment that can affectively make your symptoms 'go away'.

I've been searching for a cure for over a year, and I only feel worse. I am becoming extremely sick, or a better word might be, 'unwell'. My disease is progressing, and I'm getting desperate. I've found that this pain is too great to bear, and I intentionally cause external pain to myself, in an effort to aleviate the internal pain. All I'm left with are scars. The wound inside is still a gaping hole freely bleeding, and I'm not sure if it will ever scar, while the wounds on the outside scar up as a reminder that I am not yet whole.

I am hungry but I can't eat. I am so tired, but I can't sleep. I'm in a constant whilrwind of screams and disaster in my mind, but I'm a blank expression on the outside. I'm worse than dead, I'm suffering. My agent of torture is the one I love the most. And I'm begging for the final blow, but fear I'm too much of a coward to accept it.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

I died today

I have nothing.... I thought, maybe I could write about it. But maybe I'm not ready. Maybe the wound is too great to put on paper. My heart is bleeding. And it feels like it will never stop.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Are we too old?

You look in the mirror and realize, oh my god. . . . when did that happen? You see fine lines all around your eyes, deep lines in between your eyebrows..... and .........are those jowls?? You wake up looking like the crypt keeper and realize you can only cake on the makeup so thick.

You can no longer relate to those awful 'chick flicks' that you once loved so much. You realize your life has aged you. Your obligations have aged  you. You let your obligations get in the way of your life. And then you realize, you don't have a life. You don't really have....... anything.

It's weird how things can change, but still stay the same. Or maybe it only appears to have changed, but nothing really has. Can we ever be certain about what we really want? Will it be the same in my 40's? My 50's? What then?

How does one plan an entire life when things change so dramatically with each passing decade? I feel nowhere near where I was when I was in my 20's, or even early 30's, but yet some things are still so much the same. That feeling of solitude. It stays with you. You can be surrounded by crowds and still be completely alone. You can be surrounded by friends and family... and still.. be completely alone.

And I just wonder, How long, can something like that last? Will we ever feel normal? I wonder if I'll ever feel normal. Or if it just goes on like this.


What do you do when you know you're not where you want to be? Is it selfish? Or is it just taking care of yourself.